We’ve had a few posted over the years but not in a dedicated thread as far as I can see…
Not a joke but I found it funny:
I went to the airfield today. I said to the wife “I am going to polish the wings and clean the screen” “Oh yes” she said “you are going flying, aren’t you” “No I am going to clean the plane” said I. I got to the airfield and did my cleaning jobs on the aircraft. On the way home driving through the village I came across a woman in distress with a punctured wheel on her bicycle. “can I help you” said I. “Can you give me a lift to my hotel at the end of the village” I placed her bicycle in my boot and drove to the hotel. She was very grateful and invited me in for a coffee. one thing led to another and a jolly good time was had.
I drove home and was greeted by the wife saying “what time do you call this, you’ve been flying haven’t you” No said I “I went to the airfield, and cleaned the aircraft. On the way home I met a woman in distress took her back to her hotel and made passionate love to her” “I am not amused” said she “you promised me you would not go flying”.
Question: How do you know if a pilot is in the room?
Answer: He tells you.
That one normally goes a bit like “at a party with 100 people, one of them being a pilot, how do you find him?” A: “you don’t – he finds you!”
Another old one: A pilot on a date. 3/4 through, he says “that’s enough talking about planes; now let’s talk about ME”
Sadly both are very accurate!
Not mine, but still brings a smile to my face:
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, the FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put all his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Not strictly speaking a pilot joke, but seen in the apron office at FAKN:
I do try to be nice to the airside personnel. so it can’t refer to me
I think this one is a pilot joke:
Once upon a time a pilot found a beautiful princess and asked her, “Will you marry me?”
The princess said, “No!”
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan Rum and never heard bitching, never paid child support or alimony, kept his house and guns; he ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up……..