Let me start with a bit of context:
I’m a modest little instructor, teaching modest VFR stuff at a modest little airfield in France. We fly modest little aeroplanes. No bullsh*t skygod stuff 
Oh, and I’m a woman. That shouldn’t make a difference. But it just might. Sometimes.
I’ve just been chatting to a colleague instructor, also a woman (can you see where this is going? )
Here’s the story I had to tell her:
6 weeks ago, my mother died. I received this news with sadness, but calmly. My mother hadn’t been part of my life for over 10 years (long story). During the day I sent an SMS to my colleague instructor to let him know (but asking him to treat the information confidentially).
That evening I had an instruction flight lined up.
Perfect weather. Lovely evening. I was looking forward to it.
The student arrives. I greet him with a smile (and obviously not saying anything about my personal circs).
A few minutes later, my student takes a call. Chats for a few minutes then comes back looking confused.
“Oh, I’ve just heard a friend has been taken ill, we have to leave immediately…human factors and all that..” Sheepish smile from him.
I put him at ease. Tell him not to worry. We put the aircraft away.
But all the time I’m thinking – Sure thing that was the other instructor telling him not to get in the aircraft with me!.
I keep it to myself. Hey, I’m a nice girl (err, woman). Oh well, he was only trying to help. And anyway, I can’t be sure.
Time passes. I fly with my stude again, several times. A couple of days ago, with a laugh, I put it to him – Hey, Florian, that was a call from the other instructor you took, wasn’t it?
He smiles, looks embarrassed and refuses to say anything, so I know.
My instructor colleague was beside herself.
Perhaps I should be, too?.
Isn’t the “Fit to fly?” decision up to me? It should be, I think.
This week, for example, I’m not 100%. In body (under medication) or in spirit (yes, life can be a bummer sometimes). I have cancelled all my flights with regret, but no hesitation, knowing full well I’m not going to be able to do a good job of instructing. A REAL case of human factors.
So, is this a caring colleague or a macho who should mind his own business?
I wouldn’t have taken it upon myself to intervene as he did, put it that way.
If your mother hadn’t been part of your life for over 10 years I would presume that your colleague instructor didn’t know her. In that case why did you feel it necessary to inform him she had died? If you want people to mind their own business then don’t tell them your business.
I think that the instructor’s covert warning to the student (and seemingly transmitted with a suggestion to not tell Jojo of the contents of the phone call) undermines Jojo’s authority and undermines her relationship with the student.
In life, one should not have to keep personal information from one’s colleagues, just in case they decide to misuse it or use it against oneself.
I did the initial IR check ride half a day after my father died, unexpectedly. I didn’t have a very close relationship with my father, and I’m most of the time not overly emotional. After getting the news, I talked to my instructor, and he called the examiner, then we decided to stick to the original plan. We considered the risk well acceptable, given that the weather was far from the limit and the examiner would perfectly have been capable of landing the plane.
I don’t think it makes sense to have rigid rules about when you are fit to fly and when not. This is a very personal thing. However I found it only fair that I told the examiner and that he was part of the decision whether to go.
In your case, I’d have told the student upfront, but I’d likely have gone flying too, especially if the student wasn’t at the beginning anymore.
I agree with Peter that your instructor colleague’s behaviour is unacceptable.
I’d see that as meddling by the other instructor. The fact you professionally smiled and you made the judgement that you was fit to fly and instruct, suggests there was no practical or emotional consequences to the student. For clarity by practical I mean there was no danger to a student having to control an aircraft due to your inability to professionally complete the flight. If on the other hand you felt you couldn’t do the flight but the instructor thought you didn’t want to share your grief with the student, then maybe he thought he was doing you a favour and it was for the best, but it doesn’t sound like that from your account. I’m far from qualified in any way to judge whether it was because you are a woman (I sensed that was a possibility to you), so I won’t.
If this was a one off bit of help, or non-help as it might have been, I’d leave it at that. If said instructor is always meddling or attempting to alter the course of events for you or anyone else, unless he was required to do it as part of a job description (if he was the CFI or something), someone should have a word.
Probably just a misguided effort to help. Not sure it is related to his sex.
If your mother hadn’t been part of your life for over 10 years I would presume that your colleague instructor didn’t know her. In that case why did you feel it necessary to inform him she had died? If you want people to mind their own business then don’t tell them your business.
I tend to agree. Your parents dying is something that normally upsets a person, and makes them do irrational things even if they seem calm on the outside. The fact that you informed him in a short message, yet you wanted to fly, seems a bit irrational to me. Maybe her death affects you more than you seem to admit?
fact that you informed him in a short message
Methinks you’re reading too much into that. One’s parent dying is a newsworthy item, whether it makes you unfit to fly or not.
Did the other instructor know that you were not close with your mother? It’s undermining whether they did or not, but certainly I have always been taught/informed and learnt that a close family death causes the most (I think maybe just behind spouse?) emotional (and other?) stress than pretty much anything else. Obviously this will vary person to person but I think it is generally accepted as correct for a lot of people. I think the other instructor was probably just trying to remove the decision from you so that you didn’t have to make the call yourself when you might not have been in a fit state to make the decision. It could be said that the instructor should have discussed this with you and kept you in the loop but maybe they didn’t want to add to what may already have been perceived as a stressful and emotional time.
Whatever the intentions of the Jojo’s colleague were, his actions are unacceptable. There would have been only 2 correct ways from him to react:
a) do nothing and keep the information to himself (that’s what you have asked him to do, and since he’s no CFI or the like, that would have been perfectly acceptable)
b) tell you to stay at home for one or two days, offer to inform the students if you do not want to do this yourself, keep the reason between you and him (that’s the best solution in terms of flight safety and that’s what I would have done if I were your superior)
The solution chosen by your colleague is not only questionable in terms of the inter-personal relationship between him and you, but also reflects poorly on the professionalism of your organisation.
If I were a student/costumer, I would be quite alienated if instructor B tells me that instructor A wants to fly with me, but is in a questionable state of mind, so I should decline the flight but not tell him the reason because …..
