My recent favourite was on a very bumpy night talking to Rhein Radar. The controller was a lady with a voice better suited to 0898 telephone lines.
“Rhein, Bigjet 123, is there a good ride tonight?”
“Bigjet 123, Rhein, it’s nice and smooth down below, do you want to go down?”
Took me a long time to stop laughing…
In the good old days at an airport near me…
Alitalia lining up on a departure runway, being cleared for take off but taking their time.
Tower: “Alitalia xxx please expedite your departure, landing traffic at 4 miles”.
No reply.
Tower: “Alitalia xxx please start your take off roll immediately.”
No reply
Pan Am 747 on final: “Hey Spaghetty, move your ass or I´m gonna f**k you from behind”
Still no reply but a roar of engines and that DC9 got out of there in a big hurry.
The landing clearance for the Pan Am flight was slightly garbled with uncontrollable laughter.
Some comments I heard:
Controller “D-XXXX state number of souls on board”
Pilot “2 souls plus a dog”
Controller “Presume dog carried out the landing…..”
or on a similar vain
Controller “D-XXXX please confirm PIC’s name is Tigger…….”
But the most outrageous was something I actually listened into whilst transiting the airspace of an International Airport in Germany and listening to Tower.
Controller: “D-XXXX, are you on frequency?”
PIC: “Eh, D-XXXX, ah, ja, yes, we are on frequency”
C: “Good, I thought I’d best say hello as you appear to have established yourself on a four mile final”
PIC: " ah, yes, ah, we are on finals for runway 25"
C: “D-XX cleared to land Runway 25”
a short time later….
C: “D-XX please expedite vacating Runway 25”
a few seconds later…
C: “D-XX expedite means speed up….”
10 seconds later….
C: “D-XX I see you now in a back track break break D-YY go around, right traffic Runway 25”
PIC 2 “D-YY Going around”
10 seconds later….
PIC “My instructor needs the toilet, can you advise?”
C “D-XX turn left onto Taxiway A and follow Bravo to parking stand 144”
PIC “Alpha and Bravo to 144”.
20 seconds laterC: “D-XX Bravo was left, you have turned right. Please follow Golf to stand 244”
PIC “Follow Golf to 244”
30 seconds later.
C: “D-XX you’ve just passed 244, turn next right onto 344.”
PIC “Next right 344”
15 seconds later
C: “That WAS the next right you’ve just passed, wait there, I’ll send a follow me…..”
I couldn’t believe that an instructor would allow a student to make such a hash of taxying, especially allowing a student to backtrack on an active runway without permission……
And especcially if he needs a toilet…. you´d think he´d want this to be faster…
